Truly horrifying and upsetting

>edit< the trackback isn't working, so here is the link.<

Linked from the title of this blog post and here is a story you have to feel brave to read. I find the specific instance horrifying and upsetting, and my heart goes out to the woman and her family, but the fact that this is not a rarity in the bigger picture is enough to bring about despair. This despair can easily paralyze us, thinking "what can I do before it's too late?" There are direct routes, like protesting those law enforcement officers who are inept/unwilling to recognize a problem; there are educational routes, where task forces are organized to train law enforcement personnel to be more aware of domestic violence issues. But there are more things we can do, on a more subtle level, that would make for longer-term societal change if we stay vigilant about them. Put simply, we can be examples--live our values on issues like this. It's no easy task, which is why it is a long-term solution. But the long-term solutions are the ones that instill solid change. If we are truly interested in rooting out domestic violence (this term encompasses psychological, emotional, and physical abuse) on the larger scale, we have to take a close look at our own lives and root out the emotional and psychological manipulativeness that might reside there. This of course is not easy--not only does it require us to look at our own inter-peronal relationships and see if there are manipulative elements, but also to look inside ourselves to see if we engage in any sort of behavior, speech, and even thought that might contribute to the manipulation of others. (I am specifically speaking of the manipulativeness that leads to psychological, emotional, and physical abusiveness.) This may seem like an insurmountable task, but I can assure you that it is possible, and that the results are more freeing than you might imagine. You may have to make peace with parts of yourself you detest, you may have to diminish or sever personal ties, but in doing this you do yourself a great service, and are better able to show others that it is possible to do this and be the better for it. Again, this is something that I see as a very long-term solution, and in no way will prevent domestic violence from happening in any overt way. For this we need the direct and educational routes I mentioned above. But if we want women and men of future generations to have relationships that are not abusive, we have to show the boys and girls growing up right now how to have healthy relationships.

These are my thoughts right now, feel free to add/critique/build/etc. on them, as it is possible I may have missed an aspect of the discussion that needs to be addressed.

Holy shit

:(

Masculinity and evo-psych

Those who know me know that I have a different notion of gender roles. I find evo-psych (mostly when it is made "pop" culture appropriate) is intellectually lazy and, frankly, destructive when it tackles gender roles and where they come from. To be able to see beyond proscribed gender roles for yourself is extraordinarily difficult, as it tends to buck the dominant narrative, but it is more than worth the trouble to find new ways of being that are true to who you are, and true to how you will change throughout your life.

Martha McCaughey has written an excellent book about this, and her interview with Em and Lo is excellent.